CJ's Creative Studio - 10 Tips For Authors Wanting to Scuttle Their Chances of a Sale

They say that only a fraction of creative writing submissions ever make money for the author. That means that a writer is faced with a career of rejection after rejection. How depressing. BUT...what if we choose to garner rejections instead of sales? Think of the rivers of success that writers could have. To that end, let's look at the process of selling a novel in a different, more positive way.

THIS IS A SATIRE. IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT SATIRE IS, PLEASE STOP READING THIS HUB, NOW. IF YOU THINK ANYTHING THAT FOLLOWS IS ACTUAL USEFUL ADVICE...PLEASE, GO SEEK OUT PSYCHIATRIC HELP. SERIOUSLY.

Imagine what it must be like, sitting in that drab, old, smelly editor's office having to read manuscript after manuscript filled with page after mind-numbing page filled with 25-lines-per-page, 12-point Courier type. How awful!

If you really want to get noticed, you should do anything and everything you can to draw the editor's attention to YOUR manuscript. In addition to using different materials and methods of writing, things like fluorescent paper will really make an impression that won't be long forgotten.

People forget that, in the current global economy, in order for people to keep their jobs, they actually have to have something to do. If you are an editor, you must fear for your livelihood with every single manuscript you read that has flawless spelling. Worse, all the punctuation is properly used.

Have you ever wondered why so many male editors and proofreaders are bald? It's because they pull their hair out in frustration over all of these writers that send them works that have no need of fixing. The stress of worrying that you're boss will catch you doing nothing is a cruelty that writers shouldn't be inflicting.

It's amazing, isn't it, that authors who make sales don't have anything like the healthy paranoia that you have? Can you believe that they don't emblazon across the tops and bottoms of every page of their work that it is copyrighted and that all rights are reserved...or else? Don't they realize that every single person in every single publishing house is just itching to get their hands on a good manuscript, rip off the cover page, type up a new one, and then send your work to other publishers as the fruit of their own labor?

The blind naivety of these ill-informed "pros", who think that just because it's cheaper to buy a manuscript than to fight the lawsuit that would ensue if they simply stole it outright, that the publishers wouldn't do just that.

Unknown to most writers is that the people you send your work to operate under the premise that if you don't ensure your work is being tended to, that you must not think very much of it. With that being the case, they just pile it all up and send back submissions with form rejections two or three times a year.

The savvy writer avoids this by regularly following up in the status of their submission. They will write, call, or sometimes drop by the offices to let everyone know that your work is worthy of their immediate and undivided attention.

Sometimes, at the busiest houses, even this won't shift things into high gear. That's when it's mandatory that the writer set down a firm deadline. Because of short attention spans, this deadline must never be longer than a week, though a couple of days is better.

Have you written the vampire story to end all vampire stories? Put it in a coffin and send it via hearse to the agency. Nothing will get you more attention than disrupting their boring old normal office routine. Have a story about a chicken farmer? Hire a delivery company to not only take your manuscript over in the grasp of a guy dressed like a chicken, but also send along a banquet worth of fried chicken (and sides...don't forget the sides) for everyone to enjoy. People "in the biz" never turn down free food, no matter the source.

Editors and writers work side-by-side. Writers plaster their brilliance on the page, and the editors swoop in and point out the little details that the writer might have missed. After all, you are all in this to make oodles and oodles of cash, so with just a few little tweaks, you'll both end up rich.

Besides, they always have notes. Why should they keep them to themselves? If they are going to turn you down, then it's only right to tell you why. RIGHT?

Seriously. Move on.

When you are invited in to talk to an agent, they really only want to spend a few moments in your glory. Sure, they talk about you going over some of your ideas, but they've already read your book and know you're a talented genius.

The truth is that these are bored and lonely people. Most writers don't even call to see if their work got there, so there's nothing to do in the office except to stare at the mounds of submissions that are piling up, waiting for their form-rejection send-off. Nothing perks them up more than to hear about your holiday in Oshkosh, or to see pictures of not only your grandchildren, but of every single member of their doll collection.

These are vibrant people trapped in a mind-numbing existence. The last thing they want to hear you yammer about is writing. So have a heart...don't.

Publishers hate spineless writers. They come in with very good books and then accept just about any ridiculously low amount of money. That's not how an author finds great success. That's not how you get on the big-time national talk shows. You have to stand up for yourself.

Let's face it, you know that your novel is going to sell 10-million copies, at least. Your publisher is offering you $9,000. You do the calculation in your head... that's less than 1/10 of 1%. Now is the time to stand up for yourself. If you don't, then you are never going to get their respect. Ask...no, DEMAND that they pay you your fair share; after all, they are going to be profiting off the sweat of your brow and the blisters on your fingers.

Even in paperback, 10-million copies will bring in, you figure, about $60-million. Being a fair and reasonable person, you are willing to settle for an advance of 5% -- a paltry $3-million. So, you are not only having a spine, but you are being considerate of their need to stay in business. If only other writers deserved the respect you will receive.

One of the first lessons of sales is to never accept "no" as an answer. Great salespeople keep moving in. They never hear the word "no", just "not yet". You are pulling all the stops to sell your novel, so don't accept a "no" at face value. Think of it merely as a starting point for negotiation.

It's entirely possible that you simply didn't garner enough attention soon enough to ensure that your work didn't get tossed in the form-reject pile. Or maybe they had an intern who missed a meeting and hadn't been taught how things work. Whatever the reason, clearly someone didn't take the time to read your work and understand it--which is their fault, not yours.

Since plane tickets are expensive, you should probably send back your manuscript with a long letter pointing out how mistaken they had been for returning it back to you, and insisting that they take another look. If you don't hear from them quickly, then start calling, and if necessary, showing up. Eventually they will have to see reason and act on it. You just have to be persistent.

If you've followed even one of these tips, you are practically guaranteed to not feel the sting of failure--you will reach your goal of getting rejected. In fact, if you use the right amount of tips in the right order, you are going to be blessed with never failing to get your rejection slip...forever. Well Done!

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